Men and women approach love very different. For one, we’re very different creatures in just about every nuance of our humanity. Yes we all need food, clothing and shelter, but we approach each differently, and they relate to each other differently through our respective eyes.
This won’t be a post of authority or with definitive opinions on how to understand and love women. Consider these more educated guesses with simple observations. I readily recognize that I could be wrong about some or all of these things.
So how do you love a woman? Well, we know what not to do.
Don’t put her down, don’t minimize or disrespect her. Don’t abuse her, take her for granted, or treat her like a slave. For all the politically incorrect things that are sometimes true about men and women, usually with humorous anecdotes involving men throwing women over their knee and putting them in their place, my observations lend to that fine balance.
But what does that mean? “Being a man” in politically correct terms actually doesn’t mean anything more than something as absolutely derogatory as possible. And yet, I’ve heard many women, both “modern” and “traditional” beg for a man to do just that.
If you look at our traditional base, and then the women aching for a man (not a player, not someone who fronts masculinity), they’re looking for what the feminists hate: A leader.
“BE A MAN!” Translates to “Take charge, control this chaos, bring peace in this world!” Or more importantly from a woman’s perspective: “MY world.”
If you haven’t read it, go back and read my Every Man’s Fortress post only a few days ago. It might bring perspective to this.
So, back to our topic. How do you love your woman? Well, let’s put first things first —
Protect and care for her.
That entails building boundaries for both of you of acceptable behaviors, acceptable friends, acceptable topics of conversation based upon where you are in your relationship. That also means your responsibility to consider how she’ll take news of various kinds.
Let’s be clear folks, I’m not talking about micromanaging your woman. This is no way about enslavement or cutting a woman off. Personally, I want a woman well versed on the world around us, loves politics and can hold a good long conversation on just about anything. But boundaries aren’t about dumbing your woman down, it’s about saying: Honey, don’t worry about Topics A, B, and C. These are mine. I’m the man, I can handle these topics, I can fight the fight and leave that out there so when I come back into this refuge of our relationship, I don’t bring it back in with me. A woman can’t do that! She takes everything with her! She leaves nothing behind! That’s why men compartmentalize and women don’t. Men must be the ones out there cutting down the enemy.
Protecting and caring for your woman is your first responsibility before anything else is accomplished.
I’ve heard stories from women who have had various physical relationships in their lives but who, after marrying good men, couldn’t imagine sex any other way. A woman, whether she realizes it or not, REQUIRES that safety. Society has told her she can provide that for herself, and indeed, a woman can become very strong. But women are not built like men. When a woman feels protected and cared for, her responsiveness and satisfaction in bed increases multiple fold. And if you aren’t getting that in your marriage, don’t blame the nature of marriage. Ask yourself if you married the right man.
Men are hardwired in their needs for respect, but just because men need it more in no way invalidates a woman’s strong need to be heard and respected. She’s first a human, second a woman, thirdly an intelligent being. She needs her voice to be heard, her input considered, her thoughts regarded.
However, it doesn’t mean a man doesn’t have to make decisions against her will or must listen to every thought that comes across her mind. I’ve said this before, ladies, because I’ve heard from those wiser than me: If you want to vent or chatter or have girl talk, call a girlfriend. They understand. Men don’t, and it’s not part of their husbandly or boyfriendly responsibility to hear every potential thought that runs through your head. Why? Because a man would never leave the house, get to work, or do ANYTHING, if he had to listen to every thought that goes through your head.
How you do it, I have no clue, myself. I’m so glad I can turn my brain off and think about absolutely nothing.
Here’s the most politically incorrect thing about respect that, while I’m not entirely sure of, I think have some minor legitimacy according to various reports I’ve read.
At times like a child, a woman can be thrown about in the emotional wash of her passions and feel helpless before them. (See “Every Man’s Fortress.” Yes, again.) A man shows as much respect to a woman by listening to her, as well as by putting her in her place and disciplining her when she lets those passions get the best of her.
Men are built to be colder beasts, more logical. Whether we do that or not is an utter failure of our culture and our fathers. But men are expected to remember God’s precepts, his law, and truth with less affectation of emotion and passion. We are not void of them, but we are colder when it comes to them — more down to business. We are unique in our ability (if we so choose to actually exercise it) to remain free of those passions. That allows us to remain cool and collected. As builders of our fortress, we must keep our eyes for that which threatens us and our families from outside AS WELL AS those from within.
We must help our children rule their passions. Sometimes that means we help our women rule theirs. Now, this will vary from couple to couple. I’ve heard of some couples merely discussing the issue. I’ve read things about women actually being spanked like children. I don’t advocate either for anyone. Do what you feel is best.
And men, you are just as faulty as anyone else, so this in no way lets you off the hook. This is merely a direction of your responsibility when it comes to loving your woman, respecting her enough not to put up with foolishness for her good as much as yours! (Women, I will write an entire blog on how you can deal with men’s tomfoolery, too, so this is in no way singling you out. Men are straight-up dumbasses, but I will address that later.)
Be FOR her.
Men, you may not agree with what comes out of your woman’s mouth. She most definitely doesn’t agree with everything that comes out of yours. But whatever you do, be FOR her. You need to be on her team. If she feels through that God-given intuition that a course of action needs to be taken, do not dismiss her. Crying over Grey’s Anatomy? Go watch a game. Feels she needs to do something specific, take a job, or even if she feels that YOU taking a certain job is a bad idea, or a certain friend should be omitted from evenings out; be in her team. Support her before you support your own whims. Trust me, trust me, trust me when I say that a woman who feels protected and supported will give you so much more back than you can imagine. Actually, women give more to men than men give back. Even in healthy relationships. Women are natural givers — givers of life, love, hearth and home. They don’t need the same gifts back from you, but they do need protection, respect and support.
She’s not Jimmy from down the street. Even if she banters, don’t think of her as another guy. She’s a woman, and however playfully combative she might get, always be gentle with her. I’m not talking about those nights where you two wanna get rough in bed. But in all other ways, be kind and gentle. You will see a warmth from your woman you could not expect.
Remember the Small Things.
This does not, repeat, does not include things like six-month meeting-you anniversaries. Women, if I may say so, stop that. You’re gonna kill a brother with that stuff. “YOU DIDN’T REMEMBER THAT WE MET SEVEN MONTHS, THREE WEEKS AND FOUR DAYS AGO TODAY????? YOU DON’T LOVE ME!”
But men, remember the small things. Women pay more attention to the small things than you do — they are usually natural with details. If you show you can pay attention to those same details (if not as often), they’re like Koreans who find out you’re trying to learn their language: They are so happy! Show some kind of attention to detail and they will love you for it.
Women, don’t expect him to recognize a remote count of minutiae you see every day. He won’t. He can’t. I don’t think it’s possible. However, he can make an effort and remember the small things.
Now, this won’t apply to every man or every woman, but I think this might capture an essence of something.
Alright folks, this post has gone on long enough. I could keep writing things down, but I think if a man takes these few things and applies them, most other things will come naturally. Have a great night, and if you actually read this far, thanks for reading!